Looking Back

Note: I wrote the following approximately 3 months ago, when I was just beginning a new temporary working assignment.  It was my first time in a full time job since before I'd gone back to school, and I had a lot of doubts about my abilities and effectiveness.  The job opportunity turned out to be a really awesome experience, and I am excited at how far I have come in such a short period of time.

When I'm at work, I feel purposeful and happy.  I feel powerful and in control of my life.  I am so glad that I was able to receive this amazing opportunity to do better in life.  To see another perspective. To get out of the funk that I’ve been in.  To honor my greatest self.  To earn a decent living.  To shed dead weight that is no longer suited to my lifestyle.  To move on. To make a smooth transition.  To dispel all the lies that the devil and others who didn’t believe in me told me.  To dispel all of the lies that I had told myself.  To gain the confidence and the motivation that I so desperately needed in order to move forward in life.  To believe in myself and my capabilities.  To not wallow in misery.  I have always said that “I am the head and not the tail.”  Even when things weren’t going my way.  Even when I was down and out and wanted to cry.  Especially when I was struggling with EVERYTHING. 

I know that I will not only be okay, but I will succeed in life.  I will rise to the top, no matter where God leads me.  I will live out my dreams and they will be fulfilled.  Even when sadness had surrounded me, I had the strength and the courage to pray.  I wrote my little prayer, straight from my heart, and folded it up and took it with me everywhere I went.  I knew that God believed in me.  I knew that I wasn’t trash or discarded refuse.  I knew what God saw in me was more precious than rubies, diamonds or pearls.  I knew He would see fit to give me my heart’s desire. 

But I knew that not everything in my life was suited to come with me to the next step of my journey.  That part was scary.  Letting go, shutting doors.  Scared of the unknown.  Would I be happy?  Would I be okay?  Would there be love and happiness waiting for me on the other side?  I have so much left to do in life.  But the good news is that life is not over.  Just because I haven’t done anything in a long time, doesn’t mean that it’s not possible or that I’m not capable.  I’m capable of anything that I put my mind to. 

I may have forgotten or been misled of the truth, but that doesn’t stop it from being any less of the truth.  I WILL realize my dreams.  I won’t allow anything to stop me.  There had been a time where I didn’t feel like I was adequately qualified to become who I was meant to be and my confidence was low, but I declare that those days are behind me, and I will live out my life to my fullest potential.  No matter what happens after the duration of my present assignment, my life will be forever changed.  The course of my life will be happy and exciting.  I have discounted myself for far too long.  The best days of my life are definitely ahead of me.  I believe this with all my heart.